You Gotta Love Leviticus
An open letter to my faith leader,
You have told me that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. You haven't provided me with guidance on how I am to act when meeting a person who is homosexual.
As well as providing providing specific instructions on how to deal with homosexuals, would you confirm or correct my assumptions about some other Old Testament law?
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual un-cleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I
tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims
that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I
own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly
states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I
don't agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision
have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27.
How should they die?
i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops
in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different
kinds of thread (cotton/ polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme
a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole
town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn
them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with
their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can
help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan
Dottie
A browser has suggested that credit for the preceding should be given to Stop Dr. Laura Coalition Against Hate. PFLAG/NBC, Inc. certainly makes no claim of originality here. We have received a multitude of e-mails with various versions of this Leviticus pun and have posted this version so it may be available to our browsers. On a quick visit to the Stop Dr. Laura Coalition Against Hate site, we were not able to locate a version of this but confess we did not make an exhaustive search. PFLAG/NBC, Inc. is aware of versions of this have existed for at least ten years, but will be delighted to credit any copyrighted source brought to our attention. By the by, Dottie is a fictitious person.
First posted to the PFLAG/NBC, Inc. site 06-01-2001